I was in the supermarket with my eldest when on the piped-in music came a song that made me flinch in disgust and make a quick exit.

“What’s a love handle?”, he had asked me upon hearing the song.

The station was playing Love Handles by the artist that has the uncanny ability to sing from his asshole: Akon.

It’s a little known fact that Akon has a hidden microphone in his rectum and only mimes the words to the one in his hand.

Not only does he sing from his asshole but the lyrics are also inspired into existence by a small gland between his rectum and bladder and features the contributions of Scrotum. It’s a wonder he doesn’t actually use those words to make a catchy rhyme in one of his horrendous songs. Or maybe he does, I wouldn’t know.

Music today follows a simple formula:

1. It should not really be a song. More a jingle that can be idiotically repeated.
2. Sample a damn good 80′s song and stupidify it with lame rapping.
3. Lyrics an be any crap. Lyrics degrading women and reducing them to sexual objects will do extremely well.

I am secretly glad the fundies made Akon think twice about performing in Maldives. Also I am ashamed that some of my friends play his songs like the idiotic dead brains he (and his kind) want them to be.

Guys! There’s real music out there. Go find it.

But it’s not just Akon. The entire mainstream music industry today is geared to churn out, what I would call, brain virus jingles disguised and marketed as “music”. They are catchy and are designed to inspire rape and make you stupid. There. I said it.

Two things I stay away from: religious bullshit and bullshit disguised as music.

Now then, here’s Imogen singing for a change.